I bet we all know that voice in our heads that constantly, shames, belittles, criticizes and judges us. This voice may say stuff like “That was your fault”, “You’re not creative enough for that opportunity”, “You don’t belong here”, “If you don’t crush this everyone will know you’re a fraud, in fact, you are a fraud”, “You’re a horrible friend, mother, partner, etc.”, “You can’t do this” etc.
Whether this kind of criticism comes from within or from others, it definitely feels bad. When criticized we often experience a chain reaction that starts out as a series of feelings and thoughts and ends up becoming a set of beliefs that hold you back from your dreams. For some people, this inner voice can be crippling and today, because I love you and want the absolute best for you, I’m going to share some tips on how to live peacefully with this voice that actually means well.
What is the Inner Critic?
The inner critic according to common psychology is the inner part of the self that judges and demeans the self. Basically, it’s that annoying voice that I’ve just mentioned. It’s the voice that tells us we’re not enough and seems to enjoy reminding us of all the areas we suck at. Just like a bully picks on your weaknesses, the inner critic feeds off of your self-doubt and uses negative self-talk as a tool for self-destruction.
The inner critic is mostly experienced as an attacking voice and often produces feelings of worthlessness, shame, low self-esteem, deficiency and self-doubt. When we start believing all these negative thoughts that the inner critic whispers, it can really (negatively) impact our lives.
Funny enough, the role of the inner critic is to protect us from pain, external judgment, failure and rejection. It just has a very weird way of doing this. It constantly points out your shortcomings in hopes that it creates enough fear and discomfort that will either motivate you to do better, do more, or avoid the situation altogether and therefore escape failure, pain, rejection and/or judgment.
Unfortunately, the inner critic is a part of the self which means you can’t cut it off like you would a friend who keeps pointing out what’s wrong with you. However, you can’t give your inner critic control over your behaviors, actions and ultimately life if you want to be the best version of yourself. Fortunately, I have a few tips that can help you get the best out of this babe and not let them get the best of you.
How To Live With Your Inner Critic
Step Outside Yourself
Look at self-criticism as a conversation between two parts of self -one that’s angry, hostile and attacking, and another that is receiving judgment and feeling upset and hurt. It may even help to differentiate these two parts by giving them voices and personifying them or by imagining the inner dialogue as a conversation between two strangers on the street. By seeing it as a conversation between two parties, you can step outside of it and relate to the conflict in a different way and perhaps help you realize your inner critic’s origin by reminding you of your dynamic with a teacher, parent, or peer.
Increase Your Awareness
More often than not, we listen to these self-criticisms without trying to pay attention to the message being sent. Listening actively can help you trace where these thoughts stem from and can give you the chance to question the inner critic and reduce the likelihood of you believing what it’s saying. As you practice awareness, remember thoughts are just thoughts. Your thoughts are not reality and cannot define you unless you let them. Whenever I have intrusive thoughts, I make a column list where I compare my intrusive thoughts to reality.
Be Your Biggest Hype-person
One of the best ways to deal with negative self-talk is to make sure you’re balancing it out with positive self-talk. In fact, if you can go above and beyond with positive reinforcement, even better. Just like when you’re giving someone else constructive criticism you start by telling them what they’ve done well before you mention what they need to improve on, practice doing this with yourself. Remind yourself often of your accomplishments, take pictures to remember what you did, tell someone else, tell yourself that you’re proud of yourself!
Create A Mental Safe Space
In the instance where you’re giving someone else constructive criticism, you’d make sure that you’re speaking from a place of good intention and not of frustration. We can implement this in our own lives and make our minds a safe space filled with self-love and positive thoughts. Take some time to think about what makes you feel at peace and safe. It could be journaling, meditation, taking a walk or going for a run, doing yoga, lighting a candle, dancing -whatever it is, practice it regularly to center yourself and create a safe space in your mind and consequently increase your likelihood of maintaining a positive outlook.
Reframe The Inner Critic's Role
Since we can’t completely get rid of or silence the inner critic, we can use it to help us stay motivated and keep us moving towards our goals. Just like we choose how to respond to external criticism positively and wisely, we can do the same for our own criticisms. We can look at the criticisms as challenges to do and be better or as a challenge that encourages us to prove it wrong by overcoming what we were afraid of.
Make Time For Self-care & Ask For Help
When we become overwhelmed by the never-ending tasks of life, we tend to prioritize self-care and rest less and less. When this happens, we get drained and frustrated and find it harder to engage in positive self-talk. In addition to that, our inner critic comes from a point of frustration rather than love and care and can become really harsh. If we make sure we create time for self-care and ask for help when we need it, we reduce stress, nourish our minds and allow our positive inner voice to regain control.
I hope these tips help you deal with your inner critic in a healthier way. What does your inner critic tell you more often? How do you deal with negative self-talk? Let me know in the comments! Let’s have a conversation.
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