Hello Sunshine☀️
Last we spoke here, I was sharing why and how to make space for community care in the world of self-care. In that post I spoke more about giving community care, which I think, or at least in my personal experience, is easier than receiving. In the last few months or so, I’ve really gone through a challenging season of letting people in, asking for help and not running away when I receive the love that I’ve been wanting and that I so freely give to others. It’s been tough guys 🥲but really despite the discomfort, it’s been really needed.
One of my goals for October (and however long it takes, cause we’re all about being patient with ourselves here) is to unlearn hyper-independence and lean into interdependence. As a first born African daughter, hyper-independence and high-functioning excellence is a trauma response that I know all too well. These are the ways I coped with the expectations put on me, parentification, the feeling of having no one to rely on and being the one to hold everything and everyone together while still maintaining excellence in my school and extra-curricular performance.
And you know what, I’m actually tired. Yes, I’ve been able to get this far with these responses and yes, my body and mind still know how to fight in this way but I don’t want to live like this forever. I don’t think it’s realistic or sustainable. I am tired and so is my inner child. Like my friend Kish said, ‘tipo, next’. I want to rest. I’ve created space for people to feel safe and not to have to worry, feel loved, heard, and seen. I’ve been the reliable friend and relative who never breaks, is mostly always calm, and who will resolve conflict, create solutions and parent not only my sister, but also every other younger cousin (even those that are play cousins). Shukisha.
I’m in a season where I’m prioritizing my joy and as my friend Wairimu put it, being disciplined about said joy. I have created structures around my joy and what that means to me. This has looked like practicing self-care, my career in therapy & coaching, my job, creating my inner safe space and making my room look cute. But one core thing was missing for me to fully rest into joy and the life I’ve created for myself, and that is/was leaning into and receiving community care.
For me, this has looked like asking for specific help when I’m struggling with something at work, by asking my colleagues, my supervisor and fellow mental health professionals in my circle. Asking for specific advice or help from my dad, my sister, my friends and other people who’ve gone through similar situations as I am in that moment or are more versed in the area I need help in. Another way I’ve been able to lean into community care is having raw and open conversations with my parents about the ways I’ve felt and been parentified and giving them back their duties and only taking up big sister duties - of course I’m open to having them ask me for advice on how to bring up a sensitive topic, but still maintaining that they do it and not me.
One particular big win has been saying “yes, I’m struggling” or “yes, I’m not doing good” instead of saying “no, I’m okay, I’ll just figure it out,” “don’t worry about it, I’ll be okay.” No bitch, I’m struggling and I could really use your help and support and I’m owning it. I’ve helped and supported people all my life. I deserve to also be helped and supported. This is really hard though but I try to remind myself that I do need help and that doesn’t make me weak and even if it does, we all deserve the grace to be weak from time to time; not everyday strength. And sometimes it looks like just crying with my friends or family and taking off the weights that I put on myself or have been put on me. And sometimes it looks like checking-in and updating my people on the progress I’m making or where I’m at and how I feel following my most recent crisis. 😅Lately I’ve also been communicating my needs and how I want to be loved and sometimes it still shocks me when people actually follow through. As in all I had to do was ask for it? Wow.
One other element of community care that I’m particularly struggling with is asking people to stand up for me when I truly don’t have the strength to do that or when I just want that type of support ‘cause it feels good. And not only asking but also allowing people to do that. Another one is letting my friends treat me when it’s a just-because situation. If it’s my birthday, please by all means gift me but in another situation, it’s so hard for me to receive gifts. I feel like I have to have made a serious accomplishment that’s worth celebrating in this way but what I’ll be telling myself is that I deserve to be celebrated just because. These two are actually the hardest but I’m trying, and that’s what matters.
-All the love, Wendy xx
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