No seriously, am I? This week I found some old pictures from my first blog in 2016 and since then I’ve had 4 blogs on different things basically trying to find my niche. I have a problem which I’m aware many people would find to be a blessing, I’m good at a lot of things. And yes, I recognize this privilege especially considering a number of people (particularly in this country, not sure about others) don’t even know what they’re interested in. I mean the education system in Kenya growing up didn’t exactly foster our creative, skilled, or talented sides. It was all about class work and never about extracurricular activities. The mere fact that it was called extracurricular just shows how unimportant it was deemed. I was fortunate enough to have parents who encouraged me to pursue my interests and even further join a different education system that allowed me to explore further. I’ve spoken with many people who are inspired, shocked and even intrigued at the things I’ve done and a lot of my clients and people around me don’t even have a hobby.
me and my kalimba 2022
Now why did I say being good at a lot of things is a problem for me? Well I can’t seem to stick to just one thing and in the environment I’ve grown up in, there’s pressure to choose one. Even in social media and content creation there’s the need to niche down and pick one or a few not all the 20 something things I’m interested in and have experience doing. At some point I decided to try and just do them all for content and that was my biggest failure yet. The unfortunate thing is that even though there’s pressure to pick one, there’s also the pressure of doing them all. This comes from the ‘wow you’re so good at this’ or ‘gosh I wish I could do half the things you do’ or ‘eish you’re so talented’ or ‘you’re capable of so much’ and even the not so subtle bragging that family does to their friends when they introduce me. Now I know all these reactions come from a good place and pride but honestly a part of me feels like a failure when I can’t do everything all at once or when I choose to stop pursuing some of my previous interests. In fact some of them were more like experiments and not commitments.
a top I made in 2017 .|. a rose I made from play doh in 2013 .|. a drawing from 2015
It’s almost like my identity, value and worth is tied to the amount of things I can do and how good I can do them. And when I don’t do them all it feels like I’m not doing enough. I no longer crochet but because I was so good at it, had a crocheting business, and even had opportunities where I taught people how to crochet, I feel like a failure and a fraud because this hobby no longer resonates with the Wendy I am today. I actually have boxes of yarn that are lying in our storage and like 9 crochet hooks and other crocheting tools that I’m holding on to because letting them go means that I’ve failed and really it feels like failing others not myself (breakthrough 😅). I enjoyed crocheting, I did it for 5 years consistently and for the last 3 years, I’ve just been holding onto things, starting projects and not finishing them and refusing to take away yarn when decluttering.
Coming from an entrepreneurial family (my mum’s side), it almost feels like an insult to them that I have all this creative energy and pursuits and I choose not to make money from them. I can make clothes, I can make shoes, I can embroider, I can draw, I can do food and product photography, I can cook, I can design, I can sing (kind of), I can play some instruments, I can craft, I can create websites, I can do so many random things but that’s just cause that’s how I play 🤷🏽♀️. A lot of these things I’m not even good at like on the level of making money from them and quite honestly making money from them just kills the joy I derive from them and just makes it a chore and a skill I have to improve and really I just want to be a child and do them for the sake of doing them.
crochet top I made in 2020 .|. food photography I did in 2019
When I decided to focus my efforts on wellness in my career as a self-care coach and psychotherapist, and focus on that even in content creation and other ventures, a part of me felt like a fraud. Like this was just another thing that I would commit to and then leave like I did with other interests that turned into businesses and like I wasn’t good at it or didn’t deserve to make it here and like I’m not doing enough. But I’m changing the narrative and this started by closing Yumborghini and choosing to let my hobbies and interests be just that, hobbies and interests. To allow myself to play without the expectation of excellence or turning a profit, and for the sake of joy, period. I don’t have to be high-functioning in play and make it a source of profit. It’s a source of joy, experimentation and inner child fulfilment and I deserve to enjoy it as that. And you know what, that doesn’t make me a fraud, it doesn’t mean I’m not doing well enough, it doesn’t mean I’m not qualified enough, it just makes me a human who likes to enjoy things and explore different interests.
-All the love, Wendy xx
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