When it comes to communication and life generally, it’s important to be vocal about what you want and express your needs effectively. Otherwise, you risk always getting the short end of the stick and having your needs unmet which can breed resentment, frustration, and feelings of inadequacy. When it comes to standing up for yourself and communicating your needs effectively it all boils down to your approach. Being assertive is the goal here but often times there’s quite a thin line between assertion and aggression. So what’s the difference between being assertive and being aggressive?
Being assertive is communicating in a way that’s clear, direct, and constructive. Assertive communication is built on the understanding that both your own needs and those of another party are important to consider, and that both deserve to be respected. Aggressiveness, on the other hand, is a way of communicating where you try to control the behavior of others. You put your own needs first, without any consideration for the other person’s needs.
Assertive communication shows respect for and gives space to others’ needs; aggressive communication does not. It’s respectful, clear, and firm. This includes listening to the other person and showing interest or concern. Aggressive communication, however, can include making demands of someone without listening to them. Sometimes it involves shouting, interrupting, or talking over others. Because aggressive communication doesn’t respect others’ needs, it usually hurts feelings and can damage relationships.
While it can be difficult to distinguish between the two forms of communication, there are some distinct differences you can note as well as the different outcomes of these different approaches.
1. Assertive behavior is often a positive form of expression, while aggression is often a negative form of expression.
It’s typically a good thing to be assertive: You know what you want and you’re asserting your value, but you’re also respecting others involved. Assertiveness sits right in the middle of passivity (undervaluing yourself) and aggression (ignoring the value of others) and is the best way to approach a confrontation or negotiation. Aggression, on the other hand, is perceived poorly due to the disregard for others.
2. Assertive behavior is rooted in respect, aggression is not.
What makes assertive behavior different from aggressive and passive behavior is that it respects everyone involved. Aggression, on the other hand, typically doesn’t. Assertive behavior is rooted in mutual respect, while aggression comes from a place of self-importance at the cost of neglecting others’ feelings or thoughts. Assertiveness, therefore, is not about scoring points but simply about communicating a point of view respectfully.
3. Assertive behavior is all about standing up for yourself, but aggression usually involves threatening, attacking, or (to a lesser degree) ignoring others.
Being assertive is about standing up for yourself —for your beliefs, your values, and your needs and doing so in a respectful, unthreatening, nonviolent way. When it comes to assertion, everybody’s best interest is at heart. Aggression, on the other hand, typically hurts others or doesn’t bear their well-being in mind.
4. Assertive behavior recognizes boundaries between one’s ideas and those of others
When responding assertively you are aware of your feelings, and the tensions are kept in a normal, constructive, and situationally appropriate range. Communicating assertively involves using “I” statements that reflect responsibility for self, “I think”, “I feel”, and “I want,” and cooperative words such as, “let’s see, how can we resolve this,” and “what do you think”.
When someone invades another’s boundaries or individual rights; that person is usually behaving aggressively. The intention of aggressive behavior is to dominate others to get their own way. It is reflected in statements that are confrontational, abusive, ridiculing, or hostile.
Assertive Communication Tips
Learning to communicate assertively takes practice, but anyone can learn to be more assertive. Here are some tips for assertive communication:
Describe the situation at hand using just the facts.
Share your feelings on the matter, or the impact that other person’s behavior is having on your feelings.
Use “I” statements. When you do this, you make clear where you’re coming from, and show that you’re taking ownership of your own needs and behavior. It also makes it harder for the other person to feel criticized or attacked hence reducing the likelihood of them being defensive.
Express yourself directly and clearly. Whether you are sharing an opinion, asking for something, or turning someone down it’s important that you articulate this clearly.
Be a “broken record” and remain firm. Sometimes you have to express your needs and wants more than once before they’re acknowledged and respected by others. Staying firm and consistent can help, without becoming aggressive.
With intentional effort and practice, you can modify your assertiveness behaviors and begin to communicate effectively. The starting point is to recognize your current level of assertiveness.