This blog post is quite different from the rest. It’s a journal entry & letter to myself and of course, anyone who resonates.
Hi Wendy -past & present versions. I’m writing to us today because I feel like I need to let go and forgive us, forgive me for all the ways we’ve fallen short of who we are & want to be. Holding on to this guilt isn’t making me any better or proving how sorry I am. If anything, it’s limiting my growth. Holding on to the guilt is me choosing to define me as that mistake and in all truth, I am separate from my mistakes. Yes, I made mistakes here and there, and I will still make more mistakes, but I’m not those mistakes and I’m not who I was when I made those mistakes. I’ve done so much personal work and self-discovery to remain as that version of myself and I’m unsubscribing from that definition of who I am. I deserve the compassion, kindness, love and understanding I so freely give others when they fall short or hurt me.
I forgive me for not allowing myself to be who I really am and holding back from trying new things. I forgive myself for caring more about other people’s perceptions of me instead of caring about my own perception and feelings. I forgive myself for hating my body and going through damaging & drastic methods to try and change it. I forgive me for letting people walk all over me. I forgive myself for pleasing people more than I pleased myself and went after my own desires. I forgive myself for being such an asshole later in highschool. I forgive me for not standing up for myself in the face of bullies and channeling that anger and bitterness to people who don’t deserve it.
I forgive myself for not noticing how matted this hair was when taking these photos 😅
I forgive myself for giving men sexual agency over me. For not being bold enough to say ‘no’ or ‘not like that’ or ‘not there’ and basically allowing myself to perform rather than actively participate in sex. I forgive myself for shaming my sexual expression, sexuality & sexual desires. I forgive myself for using sex as a tool to lure people in and create ‘intimacy’ instead of using it as a celebration of pre-existing love, intimacy & my body. I forgive me for staying in situations and relationships that no longer served me. I forgive me for looking for love, validation & acceptance from external sources instead of finding them within. I forgive myself for living in and acting out of fear and not love. I forgive myself for all the times I’ve self-sabotaged & taken myself further from my goals.
I forgive myself for all the unkind things I’ve said to myself, for doubting myself and my talents, skills and abilities. I forgive myself for comparing myself with others. I forgive myself for being a bad sister, daughter & friend when I was. I forgive myself for allowing other people to define me and my interests & not intentionally finding myself and my interests. I forgive me for standing in the way of my own greatness. I forgive myself for judging myself for being loving and kind. I forgive myself for limiting myself by thinking I don’t belong & by getting too worked up about what I thought people thought of me. I forgive myself for beating myself up and working like a donkey when it didn’t align with my passions.
I forgive myself for not noticing how matted this hair was when taking these photos 😅
I forgive myself for not allowing myself to move past & grow past old passions -I don’t have to enjoy what I enjoyed last week and that’s okay. I forgive myself for not taking care of my mental & physical health. I forgive myself for ‘letting myself go’ and not prioritizing the joy of feeling & looking cute that I so deeply crave & enjoy in the name of chasing authenticity & natural beauty -that was actually such a damaging thought pattern & limitation omg. I unsubscribe from that! I can do things to look and feel cute & still be authentic and it doesn’t take away from my natural beauty.
I forgive myself for putting so much pressure on myself to be enough, or perfect and especially for others & their consumption without thinking about being enough & perfect for me. I forgive myself for not celebrating myself, my authenticity & my curves, my achievements and darn right everything about me from the fear of being too cocky. My dear, if they think you’re too much, ask them to go find less. I forgive me for dimming my own light so that others’ can shine brighter. I forgive me for pouring too much into others and not replenishing my cup for myself. I forgive myself for not asking for help & for putting a wall up. I forgive myself for not being and always doing.
I forgive myself for not noticing how matted this hair was when taking these photos 😅
My dear Wendy, I forgive you. And I celebrate you for working on yourself enough to get here, to write this letter and publish it on the internet for public consumption. For growing comfortable with who you are and who you keep choosing to be. For learning to love & care for yourself and creating space for & helping others get there too. For growing into this kind, loving & lovable version of yourself. For the work you’ve done to not be the toxic version of yourself that you once were. For giving yourself the grace to accept, be, learn, unlearn, explore, love, dislike, change, embrace different aspects of who you were, are and will be. I love you.