Life is lived in communication; it’s all around us from the music we listen to to the texts we send each other, to the conversations we have with one another, to the article you’re reading right now. In fact, by virtue of you being human, you’ve probably heard the statement ‘communication is key’. It helps us build connections and relationships by allowing us to share and express our needs, experiences, feelings, and thoughts as well as pass on information.
Now the thing is, communication can sometimes be very ineffective and create tension, breed resentment, foster misunderstanding, and break connections and relationships if not done correctly or if there’s a disconnect in understanding between the receiver and the communicator. So this month, I’m going to take you through some of the biggest communication barriers that are coming in the way of your relationships. Today, let’s talk about validation vs. invalidation.
What’s the difference?
Validation is accepting, understanding, and holding space for what someone else is feeling and experiencing. Now, validation doesn’t mean you agree with their subjective reality, however, you can give space for their emotions. Invalidation on the other hand is all about denying, dismissing, rejecting, or ignoring someone’s feelings, therefore, sending the message that their subjective emotional experience is wrong, inaccurate, unacceptable, or insignificant.
Unfortunately, people are often unaware that their actions, behavior, or words are invalidating. More often than not, the invalidator may be trying to help a person move past a difficult emotion or experience. Sometimes, people invalidate others as a result of feeling uncomfortable with the other person’s emotional experience or due to an inability to understand or empathize. However, there are times when people are aware that they’re speaking and behaving in an invalidating manner, and choose to continue this as a means of manipulation and emotional abuse.
Invalidation vs. Gaslighting
Invalidation and gaslighting are both forms of emotional abuse. However, they’re not the same thing. Gaslighting is when someone intentionally seeks to make you question the other party or manipulate them. Invalidation dismisses or ignores the feelings of the other party making them feel like they and their experiences are unimportant. For example, if you have a big fight with someone then after that fight, they seem to be cold, distant, or rude to you even though you’ve made efforts to move past it and interact with them. If the person says things like ‘there wasn’t a big fight’ or ‘you just have a problem with me’ or even calls you crazy, that’s gaslighting. However, if the person says something like ‘the fight wasn’t a big deal and you should just get over it’, that’s invalidation.
There are numerous ways you can invalidate someone. Let’s look at a few and offer some alternatives.
How to Validate Someone
Recognize that validation doesn’t mean that you think they’re right or that you agree. You can hold space for their emotions and communicate that their emotion is valid without liking the emotion.
Try not to be defensive. If you’re the target of the emotion, then try to take responsibility for at least a small part of the complaint.
Avoid offering unsolicited advice. If you feel like you can help or have an idea of how to solve the problem, you can ask if they want your help with the issue. If the answer is ‘no’, then focus on listening.
Understanding is the prerequisite to intervention. Focus on understanding where they’re at and the position they hold. The deeper you understand, the more validating you’ll be.
Reflect on their feeling and share that reflection. “I can see you’re really upset by this,” or “this must be so difficult.”
Summarize their experience. “ I totally understand that you’re upset because I wasn’t on time and that’s a pet peeve for you and that was irresponsible of me,” or “this must be so difficult, going through a career transition is so challenging”