I have divorced parents and about 9/10 years ago when my folks first separated, I didn’t think that affected me as much. Now I realize how much it actually does affect me. When everything aligns, I want to build satisfying, and happy (for the most part) relationships with whoever my romantic partner will be - and any other aligned partner in between. To do that I keep learning about skills, tools, and behaviors that will allow me to make the most out of any relationship because it’s 2023, and I can’t keep up with unfulfilling and unhappy relationships that leave us both feeling resentful.
In my quest to be a better partner & understand relationships better as well as dealing with a lot of relationship issues with clients in my private practice (I’m a certified therapist, in case you’re new here), my favorite research & findings are definitely from John Gottman’s 1986 Love Lab. From his research, Gottman found that behaviors regarding how we communicate influence the health of our relationships the most. He came up with ‘The Four Horsemen’ a play on the biblical metaphor about the four indicators of the end times (conquest, war, hunger & death). Similarly, Gottman found that there are 4 particular indicators that a relationship is likely to become unstable and unhappy, and will likely come to an end. Those four behaviors are criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling.
Before I break down the four horsemen & give you their antidotes, it’s important to remind you that we’re human. We will fall short sometimes and use these ‘problematic’ behaviors from time to time - it doesn’t make you a bad partner or mean your relationship is doomed. The key is to recognize when we engage in these behaviors, make repairs, and work towards using them less. Okay, now that that’s cleared up, let’s get into the four horsemen.
1. Criticism
Criticism happens when you take note of a problem within the relationship and turn it into a critique of your partner’s character flaws. An easy way to identify this horseman is by paying attention to your use of the words ‘always’ and ‘never’ when you’re describing something that your partner does or doesn’t do. It’s important to remember that criticism & issuing a complaint is not the same thing and that issuing complaints is a normal and healthy aspect of a relationship. The difference is that criticism focuses on (and often attacks) the person while a complaint focuses on the issue at hand.
For instance, you’re late for something again and you find yourself feeling frustrated. You might respond by using a criticism or a complaint which would look something like this:
Criticism: “You’re always late. You don’t care about anyone’s time but your own.”
Complaint: “It makes me really nervous when we run late to events, can we leave earlier next time to avoid this”
The Antidote: A Gentle Start-Up
Whenever we resort to criticism due to a complaint, it’s often because we have an unmet need. So instead of criticism, start by identifying what need is unmet and why the situation is bothering you and bring it up gently by expressing what you noticed, sharing your feelings & stating your needs. It could help to use ‘I’ statements instead of ‘you’ statements so you can take some time to think about how we actually feel.
2. Defensiveness
Defensiveness comes as a response to perceived criticism. When we feel attacked, whether the criticism is actually there or it’s a projection, it’s a natural response for us to want to defend ourselves. When we’re defensive, we may overexplain, counter-criticize, take on a victim mentality, or use ‘but’. If you become defensive, your partner may feel like their need is not being heard and this can lead to a recurring cycle of criticism & defensiveness.
The Antidote: Take Responsibility
The solution for this is to take responsibility. This can seem impossible especially if you feel like you’re not at fault. Instead of being defensive, try to validate your partner’s feelings and really listen to what they’re expressing need in. Once you understand their needs, you can take responsibility for your part of the issue or for not noticing it sooner. It can be hard to do this, but it’s important for healthy relationships. This can sound like, “you’re right, we’re late again (validation), I’ll make a point to start getting ready earlier next time.”
3. Stonewalling
Stonewalling is when someone physically shuts down in a conversation. They can either remain silent, look away, or refuse to continue with a conversation. Couples tend to stonewall because they’re ‘flooded’ with emotion. They become too upset to continue the conversation and prefer not to continue with it to avoid more friction or because they feel that what they say will not be taken into consideration.
The Antidote: Self-soothing
When someone is emotionally flooded, it’s not possible to have a productive conversation. So if you notice that you or your partner is flooded, take a break. Only when you’re calm, will you be able to receive & listen to what your partner is communicating. In order to self-soothe effectively, you need space from the conflict so avoid talking about it with your friend, writing about it, or thinking about it. You can self-soothe by taking some deep breaths, going on a walk, or practicing some form of self-care.
4. Contempt
Contempt can range from being mean to being emotionally abusive. Gottman, in his research, concluded that contempt was the biggest destroyer and predictor of the end of a relationship. Contempt shows up when one talks down on their partner and speaks from a place of grandiose superiority (‘I’m better than you’) and ‘disgust’. Contempt is actually supercharged criticism bred from longstanding resentment where one expresses their discontent using shame and mean-spirited sarcasm. For instance, in our example above, contempt would sound like this:
Criticism: “You’re always late. You don’t care about anyone’s time but your own.”
Complaint: “It makes me really nervous when we run late to events, can we leave earlier next time to avoid this”
Contempt: “Of course, we’re late yet again. What else would I expect from you? I should’ve known how self-centered you were from the first few times we were late because of your slowness.”
The Antidote: Love & Appreciation
Since contempt is just criticism on steroids, you can begin the conversation with a gentle start-up lead with love as is the antidote for criticism. Since contempt is usually heavier, you might consider taking some time away from the disagreement & focusing on being able to narrate your inner world and describing your own feelings and needs rather than describing your partner and attacking them.
That could sound like: “I’m getting really frustrated right now and if we continue with this conversation I might say some hurtful things and I know that won’t go well. I need some time to cool down before we can pick this up again but I really want us to be able to figure this out & fix it”
Another helpful thing to help with contempt is building a culture of appreciation. This looks like noticing what your partner is doing right & expressing that to them as often as possible. This will help you remember that your partner is not all bad even if in the heat of the frustration and anger it may feel like they are and it will also help them feel appreciated.
I hope this mini-series on communication helps you in your relationships. Be sure to check out my previous posts on emotional invalidation vs validation & assertive vs. aggressive communication.
Are you looking to better your relationships or to work on yourself? Reach out to me for therapy & wellness coaching via this link.